The grass is always greener…

Spoiler alert: life amplified isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or maybe I’m still adjusting? All I know for sure is that no one told me how loud everything is. Oh, and the music in the mall sucks.

Life is so weird. I couldn’t hear, but now I can. Shouldn’t that make me happy? Why is all of this so overwhelming? No one warns you about the emotional side effects of suddenly being able to hear. Sure, there are a bunch of YouTube videos that show The Moment –you know, when a non-hearing person hears for the first time and everyone bursts into happy tears — but that’s not the whole story. If the video kept rolling for weeks and months, we might witness a non-linear emotional rollercoaster of happiness, anger, frustration, serenity, and despair. But why? I can’t explain it – it’s not logical. It’s an emotional minefield populated by years of denial and hope and justifications. Detonation wreaks anger and joy simultaneously. It’s tears of happiness and gratitude that turned to grief so suddenly that I have to stop everything and wonder if I’m losing my goddamn mind. Still don’t get it? Yeah, me neither.


Update: The stimuli can be overwhelming, but I can say in no uncertain terms that the decision to get the BAHA attract was absolutely the best choice I could’ve made for my quality of life. It’s been a couple of weeks now and – although I don’t have much more clarity about it now than I did three weeks ago – I can’t imagine not going through with the procedure. Emotions are complicated and – pretty much by definition – the opposite of logic. I can’t explain why it makes me sad at times, or why when I talk about it sometimes I feel empowered while other times I feel embarrassed. I wish I had a better understanding of the psychology of it all. For now, all I can do is just keep on keeping on and try to remember to let myself feel all of it while pausing for reflection and gratitude whenever possible.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The grass is always greener…

  1. Evelyn says:

    Hi, I am going to have the surgery for baha on Nov 16, 2016. I still have not decided whether to get the attract or connect. The audiologist says I should get the connect but I work as a nurse and the potential skin irritation and infection with all the germs at work makes me lean towards attract. This is a very expensive journey for me as my insurance only covers so much. Thus, reading your blog/journey has been helpful. Thank you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kari Smith says:

      Hi Evelyn,
      Which did you decide on? I’m a nurse also and had the same concerns. I chose the BAHA attract and have been happy w my choice. My only problem is we don’t have an audiologist trained in programming in my area. I’m curious if anyone reading can recommend a audiologist trained on BAHA attract. My surgeon had an audiologist in his practice but she was not knowledgeable on the device or programming. Most of what I learned was w my own research. I would love to hear your outcome, opinions and recommendations. I live in central California but had my surgery in Southern California. I’m willing to travel to see a knowledgeable audiologist.
      Thanks!
      Kari

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s